BDSM Education- Dominissive/Switch

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Dominissives/Switches are ordinary, everyday people.  Dominissive/Switch can be female or male.  They can have a job where they'll follow orders and the job is very demanding, they can have a very demanding high paying job where they are in charge (Dominate), they can have a run of the mill type job, they can be wives or husbands, moms or dads, grandmothers or grandfathers, daughters or sons, etc.  Some Dominissives/Switches think there is something wrong with them because they have a need to both serve and be served or need to have someone submit to their control as well as be controlled, and/or a need to give some sort of physical pain (erotic pain or real pain) and need to feel some sort of physical pain (erotic pain or real pain).  

Some will spend their life hiding/suppressing their need and try to be "normal."  Some will even train themselves to never reveal or give in to what they need.  What they don't realize though, the more they try to suppress the need/desire/want, the more the need/desire/want grows.  For some reason a large percent of Dominissives/Switches have both a loud/quiet, aggressive/non-aggressive often humorous persona keeping their Dominissive/Switch need buried inside where it is safe.  Yet their thoughts/dreams/fantasies are usually about tying someone up or being tied up, spanking someone or being spanked, having someone serve them or serving someone, and/or do things that cause sensations and/or erotic pain to someone or having someone cause sensations and/or erotic pain to them (being the prison guard taking advantage of the female prisoners like they have seen in movies, and the female prisoners take over and make the guards theirs, for example) or they want to capture a slave and force them to do things, or be the one capture and be forced.  Deep down inside, the desire to do both Dom/me and submissive continues to stir.  

All too often Dominissives/Switches attract or somehow seek out those that have been abused in their past.  They find themselves giving/getting the physical or verbal pain, but in an inappropriate way, that usually is not loving but often disguised as love.  They will find themselves torn between giving/getting what they want to give/receive, even if it is not totally how they want, but it's better than not being able to control/be controlled at all.  People around them often see the abuse or the extreme lengths their friend/relative is going through or worse yet see the Dominissive/Switch (their friend/relative) as the one being abused.  The people around them may even try to interfere or protect them, but in the end those that get involved will end up the enemy, on the outside being kept at arm's length or never spoken to again by the Dominissive/Switch for getting involved.  

Some Dominissives/Switches have convinced themselves to resist being controlled or have convinced themselves to resist allowing themselves to control another, or to give or receive erotic pain, bottom line they are not being a Dominissive/Switch.  

Dominissives/Switches seem to fall into the trap of which do I want to be, Dom/me or submissive.  They may have insecurity, they may withdraw and possibly thrown into the mix as well is the rational that they can never be a Dominissive/Switch and be happy, or the worst one-- I'll never find anyone that will accept me liking both.

To truly take control of your Dominissive/Switch wants/needs/desire is extremely hard to do.  Best advice I can offer is to go slow, embrace the new direction in your life of both taking control and being controlled.  In the beginning you will feel like all you do is fail or do whatever it is wrong.  You will most likely crash and burn with each failure, but you never have the nerve to share the failure with your Dom/me or submissive.  You will often get mad at yourself and push yourself harder than you should to try to convince yourself there is nothing wrong with wanting both.  The Dominissive/Switch needs to avoid the urge to run away or end the relationship.  Don't give up, each day that passes things will get better.  In the beginning you will feel the need for constant reassurance from your Dom/me and submissive.  Hopefully over time you will find a balance to both your Domming and submissive sides.  Don't let your Dom/me or submissive set up expectations that you know nothing about or you don't have time to do, that will make you feel like you have failed most likely upset you and possibly make you want to withdraw.  Do not withdraw, that only makes your Dom/me upset that you are locking them out and your submissive insecure and more clingy and needy.  

If you can, try to avoid those vanilla ingrained knee jerk reactions that thrust you into turmoil, it doesn't' mix well with being a Dominissive/Switch.  Try to avoid finding fault in your submission and dominance.  When the Dominissive/Switch is having a hard time meeting the needs and demands of being both a submissive and a Dom/me they should try to focus on what makes them happy with their Dom/me and submissive.  Try to focus on the fact that you can't live without the happiness, joy, closeness, servitude, etc. that being with both a Dom/me and submissive gives you.  You might try focusing on one act/behavior of your submission that gives you great joy, happiness, etc.  Some Dominissives/Switches will bring up a memory of how they dress, how they sit, how they kneel, how they serve a meal, you get the idea.  Some Dominissives/Switches will focus on their submissive's happiness, love and care, which in turn makes them calm, relaxed and grounded again.  With effort and determination (and probably both your Dom/mes and submissives help) you will find the balance of things that seem so overwhelming right at that moment.

A Dominissive/Switch-Dom/me and submissive relationship is an unbroken circle around them all.  Within this unbroken circle there is give and take from all sides, it is not about being selfish, it is not just sexual aspects, it is about commitment, trust and love.

Something a Dominissive/Switch can never do is not take responsibility for their domination or submission or actions.  You are responsible, for example, for taking care of your health (you get the idea), you are responsible for doing things as safely as you can to avoid injury, you are responsible for keeping trust, you are responsible for keeping commitments, and you have to remember all actions have consequences.  Dominissives/Switches it is your responsibility to know how an item physically feels BEFORE you use it on your sub.  This can be accomplished by having a experienced Dominissive/Switch/Dom/me use an item on you for 10-15 minutes or more, varying the intensities or it can be accomplished by you being a bottom/sub/slave in play/relationship.  If you aren't willing to have it done to you so you have a starting physical intensity point/marker, then you shouldn't be doing it to someone else.  Bottom line- As long as you have experienced the varying physical intensities, which shows responsibility and care for your sub, it doesn't really matter which route you choose to get that physical feeling/intensity knowledge.

Dominissive/Switches remember you aren't a mind reader.  If there is something your submissive wants/desires, etc. tell them they must tell you (in a respectful manner of course) or let them write it in their journal.  You also must remember your Dom/me isn't a mind reader.  If there is something you want/desire, etc. tell them (in a respectful manner of course) or write it in your journal.  Remember COMMUNICATION is what keeps things going along the right path.  Stop communicating and things will come crashing down around you, and you will have to work extremely hard to get the trust going again.  Yes you can rebuild trust, but it is a long hard road and must be done with honesty and commitment from both sides.

Dominissives/Switches need to feel they are doing the right thing, and are helping/serving their Dom/me as well as taking care of/helping their submissive.  Dominissive/Switches need to feel they are not abusing their submissive or being abused by their Dom/me.  Dominissive/Switches search until they find the correct Dom/me and submissive for them.  The Dominissive/Switch that agrees to take a Dom/me and a submissive as life partners will take control and give control of varying degrees over different aspects of their life.  

Some Dominissive/Switches aspire to be both the best submissive as well as the best Dom/me.  There is no right or wrong way to be a Dominissive/Switch.  Being a Dominissive is an art.  It goes far beyond just being served or serving, training a submissive or being trained, or punishing or being punished or rewarding or getting rewarded.  The Dominissive/Switch immerses themselves as deeply as they can into being both a submissive to make their Dom/me proud as well as a Dom/me to nurture their submissive.  It is mental, spiritual, and physical, not just a means to arousal. 

 

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