BDSM Education- Long Distance Relationships

gold bar

People don't want to hear this but long distance relationships rarely work.  Yes like with anything there are a few rare successes.  How many mail order brides/grooms relationships do you know of, let alone know that worked out long term?  I can count the number I know on one finger, most people can't even do that.  

Online, phone calls and seeing each other a few times a year is not really going to cause the relationship to grow.  It takes hands on face to face for a relationship to grow.  Yes web cams can help some, but they are not the answer, just another tool like the phone or online.  Long distance relationships seem to end up as non committed affairs without much responsibility.  Long distance relationships also tend to attract people that have commitment issues.  Stop and think are all the Dom/me's or sub's you find thousands of miles from you?  If so maybe you have commitment issues.  To quote Philip Miller, co-author of Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns when talking about long distance relationships "I have learned two things from them.  First, the endurance of a long distance relationship is proportionate to the patience of the lovers multiplied by the depth of their pockets, divided by the distance between their abodes.  Secondly, nobody has that deep a pocket nor that much patience."  

Meeting someone online that lives more than a couple hours away have less of a chance working than someone in the same town.  All too often people jump into a relationship without thinking through everything.  People get wrapped up in having something that has been missing or get wrapped up in the thrill of something new, infatuations take hold and rationalization flies out the window and life becomes compromise after compromise, often leaving a path of destruction behind (think of those having affairs and their spouses getting hurt).  Add to this that 9 times out of 10 the person online and the person face to face are not as they seemed online or on the phone.   

It is HIGHLY advisable to find someone in your area or a big city near you.  Local munches are a great starting place.

Relationships are difficult to begin with, add BDSM and even more difficulties, now toss in long distance to the mix and you can begin to see why things rarely work out.  Most would say that they love the other person, the connection is so strong or they are perfect for me, etc.  You need to think a bit about the relationship and where it will head.  Are one of you married?  Is the spouse/life partner okay with your BDSM relationship with another?  Would one of you have to move?  Is marriage one of the goals?  Are children a goal?  Will you both work?  Are you both in good health or would one be taking care or the other?  Will they keep their commitments to you?  Are they honest?  Is the trust that is needed for a relationship let alone mandatory for BDSM present?  You get the idea.  Now toss into the mix that not all careers allow for easy relocation or that one thing folks would love to do--retire with compensation would be compromised.  Your current family obligations, not counting the already married to someone obligation as well as children and your parents who may need you to care for them later in life.  All this plays into the reality of the relationship.  

Be sure you both discuss your views on marriage, child rearing, morality, polyamory/polyfidelity/monogamy, sex, politics, religion/spirituality, the foods you like/hate, the kinds of music/comedy you like/hate, the kinds of movies/television shows you love/hate, etc.  After all your relationship should be based on the person not based on BDSM and/or sex.  You really need someone that is on the same horizon as you.  Once you have all the "normal/vanilla" relationship things explored, then you need to start exploring the BDSM issues.  Will this be a life partner/married relationship?  Will this be 24/7?  Bedroom or role playing only? TPE?EPE?TPT? etc.  What if one becomes disabled or gets a disease that will limit your BDSM?  You get the idea.  If things don't seem comparable then end it before getting into the relationship, don't let emotions or friends talk you into something or make your decisions for you.

You have to be yourself and not something you are not.  If marriage is important to you and not them then you shouldn't be proceeding for it will eventually drive a wedge in the relationship and things will end badly.  Same goes for wanting children, or BDSM 24/7 or TPE/EPE/TPT, monogamy/polyamory etc.  Both of you must discuss your needs and wants, if you two aren't on the same page then you should agree to just be friends and save you both the heart ache.  Don't fall into the trap of thinking you or they will change, this rarely happens.  Don't lie to yourself or them because you are swept up in filling a void you have.  

So you're gonna try long distance and see how it goes.  Here are a few things to keep in mind:  

You need to find a long distance phone plan that will save you money.  Some phone companies are offering flat rates for all the long distance calls you want to make.  

You want to get a high speed internet connection with unlimited transfer, so web cam and online voice chat go smoothly.  

You want to get an internet host that doesn't charge you per e-mail sent or received.  

Never lie and resist avoiding the truth.  subbies hate to have to admit they didn't accomplish something that is expected from their Dom/me.  The temptation to say they did what was ordered when they didn't is very high, after all the Dom/me can't really know if you did it, as they can't see the outcome.  Dom/me's also hate to admit that something about their sub upsets them and will usually avoid bringing it up.  

Make trips to see each other as often as possible, ideally no less than twice a month.  The more you spend time face to face the more chance you have at succeeding.  The first 6-8 times you are together should be in a hotel and not either one's home.  Suites work well if play is going to occur.  If in the home town of one of you, you can get by with only one hotel room as the other would go home each night or if they needed space or things were not working.  For safety some folks stay in a hotel and not tell the other what hotel and just meet with them away from their hotel.  If you are both out of town then you should have 2 separate rooms (not joining).  Also subbies don't let yourself be bound and helpless, that needs to wait until you have been face to face in the same town for many months.

Avoid living in a fantasy where everything is peachy.  Keep your interactions real just like you would if they were right there next to you.  If you are sick, someone is stressing you out, or you can't really take 8 canings in a day, COMMUNICATE these things.  Dealing with daily issues is what you will be doing when you are together face to face so do it now as well.  Also both Dom/me and sub are entitled to know what each other's life skills as well as BDSM skills are.   

If a red flag goes up don't ignore it.  Lot's of folks stand firm with a "one strike and you're out" rule since most of your interaction isn't face to face and you have to rely on honesty and trust.  It's up to you how many times you will allow someone to strike out and you be hurt.

Remember there is no prefect sub or prefect Dom/me so don't try to be one.  A sub should not be agreeable to everything in the world just because your Dom/me wants it.  Don't say you love/like something and when your Dom/me does it, you become shocked and upset.  Dom/me's don't claim you love everything your sub does because at some point you will have to deliver.  Both of you should negotiate out what activities you are into before your relationship gets going too far.  Yes things you hate today you may love tomorrow, but it is good to get a good starting point.  You might want to look over the checklist and negotiation form on this web site for ideas.  

You also have to both realize there will be times when the sub doesn't want to be submissive, PMS comes to mind, stress from work or the kids, as well as other things.  You also have times when Dom/me's don't want to be Dommly again PMS comes to mind (and yes guys get a male version of PMS too) stress from work or the kids, as well as other things.  The key is remembering we all have bad days and we just need to be loved and given lots of understanding.  

Keep things as real as you can, be honest about your feelings, desires and wants.  Don't let the fantasy of BDSM cloud your reality and don't get lost in the fantasy as fantasy rarely works out in real life.  Otherwise your relationship will end up crashing and burning or dying a slow painful death.  

Yes love can conquer all, but it takes work, commitment, honesty and the same long term goals from both sides to make it a reality.

Making The Move

So your gonna take the plunge and move.  Here are a few things to ponder:  

Before you actually move have months of face to face via web cam.  Web cams are under $30 and not that hard to set up.  Actually seeing their face and body will help you in determining if you like what you see so to speak.  Body language plays a big role in relationships, web cams will help in a very small way.

You need to have been making trips to see each other as often as possible, ideally no less than twice a month.

If you are moving make sure you have round trip funds safely in your (not joint) bank account BEFORE you move.  Remember it's not easy to turn around and come back and all your safety is lost once you pack up and move.  It is reasonable that who you are moving to be with provide those funds, after all that makes this a bit more equal on risk.  You are moving and leaving your support, family and work behind, what is the person you are moving to be with risking?  Of course this is not always feasible to do in our economy, etc.  But having the round trip moving funds BEFORE you move is feasible and may require you saving a long time, but hey if you are in love and all that, then you both should be able to wait right?  Don't be surprised if they don't wait.

It is probably wise to move into your own place so that you are not dependant on them for every thing.  Most people want to be self sufficient and this will help you keep that aspect of you alive.  Moving to a new place will take time to adjust, why have the added stress of not having anything of your own or place of your own to retreat to for peace of mind?  Living in someone else's home with all their quirks can just add stress that you really don't need starting out on this new level of the relationship.  Remember once things feel and look like they are working out, you can always move in with them.  

Now you are a couple so your identities change from individual to couple.  You need to think in the terms "we" rather than the terms "I."  Will you still have your friends?  Will you still have your outside interests?  These will change, some friends will become both of your friends and others will get dropped.  Don't even think about having past lovers/spouses/Dom/mes/subs as friends that will continue, jealousy runs high and it is best to avoid such potential hurt and upset.  Outside interests will most likely cease unless your partner becomes interested as well, take on new interests together.  

Together you will now be surviving conflicts, disappointments and problems.  With love, tolerance and communication along with each other's support, caring, nurturing and realistic expectations you can make things work smoother.  If self pity and self-indulgences take over that is a recipe for failure. 

Traveling out of the USA to other countries.  

You will need to have a passport and that can take a few months.  Make 2 copies of the passport identification page, one you keep separate from your passport and the other you leave with your itinerary with your family or friends.  You might need a visa and vaccinations.  You should know where the consulate and U.S. Embassy are located in case you run into trouble and need protection.  You should notify the U.S. Embassy that you are there and let them know where you are staying.  This can be done by phone or in person.  You want to check with the U.S. Department of State to see if any travel warnings or consular information sheets are in effect.  You want to make sure your health insurance would be in effect outside the USA, some countries require a proof of health insurance.  If you plan on driving get an out of country proof of insurance coverage from your auto insurance, besides you have to notify them you will be driving in another country for coverage.  If you need to take prescription drugs with you problems might occur.  Not all medications are legal in foreign countries and not all foreign countries' medications are approved for use in the USA.  Over the counter drugs can be a MAJOR problem.  Coming into the USA you must declare all drugs, medicinal and similar products to customs officials.  All must be in their original containers and only carry the quantity you would need while traveling.  Have a written statement from your physician that what you are using is under their supervision and necessary for your physical well being while traveling.  You need to check with the country you are traveling to, customs and the U.S. Department of State to find out what you need to do regarding medication and traveling to that country.  

You should also check the laws regarding BDSM when traveling anywhere.  You also need to check on your rights when traveling outside the USA, they might be drastically different than where you live.  You need to check on the rules/laws about clothing and how one dresses since in some countries you could be punished for breaking a law about clothes.  Be careful taking photos, some places you will be considered a spy (taking photos of military bases or ports with military vessels, airports and oil refineries come to mind) and/or some people will demand you pay them for taking their photo, so ask first.  Be aware in some countries you can be guilty by association, so just being an innocent bystander might get you charged with a crime.  Be informed before you travel and know what might happen and what is expected of you. 

If you plan on moving to another country you will need all of the above and more.  You will be an alien and some countries you have to have employment or be sponsored before they allow you to stay long term.  Be sure and check on all requirements BEFORE you agree to move.

 

Back to online page

Home  



In Association with Amazon.com
   Barnes& Noble.com

 

This web site is STRICTLY a site for education but until the Department of Justice obscenity prosecutions become more clearly defined we are self-censoring our web site and removing any material that might be questionable in eyes of the anti-obscenity squad.  We certain hope that DOJ does not mix/confuse education sites with obscenity. 

For more information on the topic above and/or the example of what could occur see Electric Switch's book.


WARNING: This web site does contain information of a mature theme regarding alternative sexuality and is unsuitable for minors.  If you are under the age of consent (usually 18 years and over, depending upon your area) for your county, state, or country in the locations in which you accessing these web pages, you may not access any of our web pages. 

Copyright 1996-2008 by Electric Switch of the West All rights reserved  No part may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any electronic means, including photocopying,  recording or by any information or retrieval system, without the written permission of the authors. 
Nothing in BDSM or life in general is without risk.  We do not have control over the use of this information.  If you use any information from bdsm-education.com or Electric Switch of the West, or any other authors found on www.bdsm-education.com  you use this information at your own risk.  The information found on www.bdsm-education.com is intended as information, and not intended to replace common sense.  Under no circumstances should you use any information from this web site without further research, and risk assessment.  Never use any of this information in place of a trusted medical doctor, medical authority, or disease control office.  bdsm-education.com and Electric Switch of the West place all information and resources on www.bdsm-education.com in good faith and with no ill intent.  Everyone accessing this information must take the necessary precautions to prevent physical or psychological damage to themselves or others, including but not limited to the transmission of disease.  By access
ing this information you are agreeing that you do so at your own risk and bdsm-education.com and Electric Switch of the West or any author's articles on bdsm-education.com  shall not be liable for any direct, indirect, incidental, special or consequential damages resulting from the use of anything obtained through your use of www.bdsm-education.comLinks to other web sites are offered for your convenience and do not constitute an endorsement of those web sites. 

Comments, questions, concerns about this site? Email the webmaster: