BDSM Education- How can I get my partner involved in BDSM?

gold bar

So you are interested in BDSM or some aspects of BDSM but you don't know how your partner will react.  
You're interested in BDSM or some aspects of BDSM but when you bring it up your partner says no way.  

Lots of "vanilla" folks do BDSM activities all the time, they just don't give it a name.  Images created by the media and movies do not reflect what BDSM is.  BDSM is very loving and enjoyable.  Being tied up with silk scarves, tickled with a feather, sex outdoors, he pins her to the bed during sex (or vice versa), she gives him a blowjob and she goes without (or vice versa), he holds her by a handful of hair as she gives him a blowjob, or one gets spanked, etc.  These activities are quite common in "vanilla" relationships.  Ask them about BDSM and you will generally get an "eeewwww" or "no way I would ever do that" or "doing that would make me feel cheap and dirty" or "that's abuse, I can't do that" response.  Those types of responses have a lot to do with perception and their background/upbringing.

Society has drilled into folks that anything other than vanilla procreation sex is wrong.  Men are taught never hit anything, especially a woman under any circumstances.  Women are trained to scream abuse if they are hit, and men have been drilled that hitting is abusive.  What society fails to point out is that a great number of people like getting spanked, slapped, belts used on them, tied up so they can struggle against the bindings and not hurt their partner, etc. and that both have consented to do these things together.  You will have to help them change their perception either directly or indirectly.

How can I bring up the topic without having them run screaming from the room or think I'm a sicko?

Well there is no sure fire way so they won't react badly.  You can try bringing up things that were arousing after watching a movie like John Wayne in "The Quiet Man".  In the movie he uses a stick to prod and swat Maureen O'Hara across the country side and he also gives her an over the knee spanking (Mr. Wayne actually does this to Maureen O'Hara in a few of their films...think they might be kinky or into BDSM?) or Dan Aykroyd and Rosie O'Donnell in "Exit to Eden", a movie based on 2 detectives going undercover as they search for diamond smugglers at a BDSM island resort.  There are many movies (click here for some movie titles) that have some sort of tie someone up, spank someone type of hot sexy scene.  Prod gently in a manner of "that might be fun to spice up our love/sex life" and see where it goes.  Don't get discouraged or upset if you get a negative response.  You can almost guarantee to get a negative response because you are expecting one.  Don't let it discourage you.  Every time you both watch something and there is a positive or hot BDSM scene, bring up how fun that might be to try.  After all you usually find this in "vanilla" movies so it can't be BDSM and wrong can it? (Devilish smile) 

What can I do if the talking doesn't lead to anything happening?  

Try having them read:

When someone you love is Kinky

If the book doesn't work, or you are afraid they will totally shut you out if you ask them to read the book or you're don't think they are ready for the book yet:

You can attempt some of these and see what happens.  Some might work and some or all might fail.  It's a crap shoot just like everything else in life.  These ideas are being approached from the Dom/me side of things.  For the sub side of things click here.

Be sure and watch the reactions you get for each thing you try.  Don't try these all in one session, pick only one.  Cooperation tells you these things will work in the future and that maybe you can expand them.  Un-cooperation tells you that the way it was done or presented did not work and you will need to find another way to do it or another aspect to try.

~Try a shower or tub together, have them wash you and dry you.  Yes you can wash them if you choose, but do it by giving them directions.  "Give me your right arm"  "Turn around"  "Spread your legs"  I am sure you get the idea.  Do they comply willingly or with a giggle?  If willingly (with or without the giggle), think of this as a mild form of what you want and be pleased.  When you have them wash you the next time, give them some directions, such as wash my left foot, my right foot, etc.  If they didn't comply or say "you're nuts" then you probably have a long road ahead of you.  It's not impossible, it will just take time, patience and persistence.

~Set up the room you have sex in to be romantic.  This might be soft music or candles (be sure and take needed precautions so nothing catches on fire or is where it can get knocked over to start a fire), whatever has worked in the past.  If you haven't tried anything in the past, get clues from movies, television and romantic books.  You should sit on the edge of the bed or if your room has a chair, sit in the chair, your choice (you should still be clothed).  Tell them you would like to watch them remove their clothing as seductively as they can.  Some will giggle and go okay, others will look at you like you have two heads and they simply won't do it.  You should tell them how much you enjoy their body and you just want to be entertained a bit and/or spice things up a bit.  Encourage them to be a tease or a temptress or a wild cat or a stripper.  For those that go along, once they have complied and are out of their clothes, stand up and say "I want you to come over here and undress/strip me."  Be cooperative, but wait for them to ask or motion for you to raise your foot or move your arm or turn around.  Once you are both naked pull your partner into your arms and hold them close, kiss them deeply.  Do this as long as you like, then release them and say "get onto the bed" or "get on your back" as you motion to the bed.  As they move in that direction a very light teasing swat on their ass would be in order.  At this point consider things a success and do whatever you two would normally do.  

~One evening take your partner out some place nice.  Go in and pick out all their clothing and lay all the items on the bed.  Later you need to tell them you are going to take them out and you want them to wear the clothes you picked out because you enjoy seeing them in that outfit.  Do they think you're are nuts and say no way?  or do they look puzzled but go along?  If they go along consider it a success.  Go out and have a fun time like you normally would.   

~One evening go in and pick out one of their sexy lingerie outfits (if they don't have any, buy them some!) or lay out one of their sexier under garments on the bed.  Tell them tonight you want them to wear the sexy clothes you picked out because you enjoy seeing them in that outfit and it makes you hot.  Do they think you are nuts and say no way?  or do they look puzzled but go along?  If they go along consider it a success.  I think you know what to do from here, have great sex like you normally would.   

~You have reached the point you are about to have intercourse, they are flat on their back and you are on top, pin them to the bed.  You can do this by holding them by the shoulders or upper arms or by drawing both hands over their head and holding their wrists.  Are they struggling?  Are they struggling and saying get off me or stop that?  Are they just looking hot and wide eyed?  If they are voicing it hurts or to stop, then stop and let go of them.  (You can always try it another time to see if they were just shocked or actually hate it, or if it was painful).  If they are not saying anything continue.  You need to release your hold after a few minutes.  If they pout or say something about not yet, or so soon?  Then you know it is okay next time to proceed keeping them pinned while you fuck them.  

~Get some silk scarves.  Bring them out in foreplay.  Take the silks and run the silks across their nipples and genitals and all over their body.  Most react with goose bumps or yums or purrs, rarely have I found a negative reaction to such a soft wonderful sensation.  After a bit of this foreplay stop, consider it a success and do whatever you two would normally do.  

After you have had the silks around in foreplay for a while you can proceed to just tying their wrists together, allowing them to still move about.  Tie them very loose the first time so it comes undone easily.  This reassures them you are not out to harm them.  Some might even say "woops it came undone" or "you didn't tie it very well" just smile and re-tie it a bit snugger, best if they can still get loose.  You should untie it after some foreplay.  If they pout or say something about not yet, or so soon?  Then you know it is okay next time to proceed keeping them tied up while you fuck them and/or tying them tighter.  Be aware it is not safe to make it so they can't get loose.  You are both each other's life line in an emergency situation.  They can't help you if they can't get loose.

~After warming them up with foreplay begin giving them a massage.  When they are laying on their tummy, alternate the massaging with some very light swats on their ass.  Are they reacting negatively?  Some will be shocked and react negatively to the first swat as it's a surprise, do they react negatively if you massage some more and do it again?  If they react negatively, stop and try again some other day.  If they don't react negatively keep massaging and every few minutes give them a light swat on their ass.  The key is to get them used to the swats while the intensity is still very soft and gentle.  Next time you can as Chef Emeril Lagasse says "let's kick it up a notch and take it to the next level."  

~After warming them up with foreplay begin giving them a massage.  When they are laying on their tummy, alternate the massaging with some very light biting/nibbling on their neck, shoulders, breasts, inner thighs and ass, etc.  Are they reacting negatively?  Some will be shocked and react negatively to the first bite/nibble remember it's a surprise, do they react negatively if you massage some more and do it again?  If they react negatively, stop and try again some other day.  If they don't react negatively keep massaging and every few minutes give them a light biting/nibble.  You might try doing it only in one area or alternate between their neck, shoulders, breasts, inner thighs and ass, etc.  The key is to get them used to the bites/nibbles while the intensity is still very soft and gentle.  Next time you can always try things a just a bit harder.  Each time you do this massage and bite/nibble, try the biting/nibbling at different intensities until you find the intensity they enjoy and you will also know where the top of their tolerance is.  

Tip- Be aware tolerance to sensation, activity, and pain change daily.  So what might be painful today, or what activity or sensation might painful today, those things might be fine another day and vice versa.  Women around menstruation seem to be more tender than other times. 

Everything you try, you need to assess after you are done playing/lovemaking/insert your term for what you do behind closed doors.  If you can get them to talk to you about how it felt or how great it was, so much the better.  You should also tell them thank you for going along with the new experience and how much you enjoyed it or how hot it was.  Sometimes it takes them knowing how it pleased you or made you happy or how much you liked doing it to start chipping down the barriers or resistance.  Sometimes it makes them want to do it again next time because you liked it so much.

You are only limited by your imagination and what would cause damage/injury/harm.  Be creative, try to be as safe as you can and remember go slow and do the same type of thing that got positive reactions over and over and over.  Once you feel that you can talk to them about what you have been doing, get them some books (see our library section).  You might try to get them to a munch and/or some workshops/lecture demos.  

 

Subs you can attempt some of these and see what happens.  Some might work and some or all might fail.  It's a crap shoot just like everything else in life.  

Be sure and watch the reactions you get for each thing you try.  Don't try these all in one session, pick only one.  Cooperation tells you these things will work in the future and that maybe you can expand them.  Un-cooperation tells you that the way it was done or presented did not work and you will need to find another way to do it or another aspect to try.

~Try a shower or tub together, ask them to let you wash and dry them.  I suggest you do this by asking them for each body part "Please give me your right arm"  "Please turn around"  "Please spread your legs."  You may want to say their name after the please.  I am sure you get the idea.  Do they comply willingly or do they shake their head in disbelief?  If willingly (with or without the head shaking), think of this as a mild form of what you want and be pleased.  The next time you both shower or tub together, you might want to replace their name with Sir/Ma'am, maybe another time Mistress/Master, etc.  Remember they may or may not react negatively.  Be prepared to drop the Ma'am/Sir, etc. if they react negatively.  If they didn't comply or say "you're nuts" then you probably have a long road ahead of you.  It's not impossible, it will just take time, patience and persistence.

~Set up the room you have sex in to be romantic.  This might be soft music or candles (be sure and take needed precautions so nothing catches on fire or is where it can get knocked over to start a fire), whatever has worked in the past.  If you haven't tried anything in the past, get clues from movies, television and romantic books.  You should ask them to take you to the room and politely ask them to sit on the edge of the bed or if your room has a chair, ask them to sit in the chair, your choice (you both should still be clothed).  Tell them you would like them to watch you remove your clothing and for them to be entertained.  Some will laugh and go okay, others will look at you like you have two heads and they simply won't allow you to do it.  You should tell them how much you enjoy them watching your body and you just want to be entertaining a bit and/or want to spice things up a bit.  Encourage them to call you a tease or a temptress or a wild cat or a stripper.  For those that go along, once you are out of your clothes, stand up and say "May I please undress/strip you?"  Be sure and ask, "please (insert their name), raise your foot" same for their arm or turn around, etc.  Once you are both naked slide into your partner's arms and kiss them, deeply if allowed.  Do this as long as you feel it is right, then release them and say "May I get onto the bed?" or "May I get on my back" as you motion to the bed.  As they respond affirmatively and move in the direction of the bed, deliberately wiggle your ass at them and see if they give you swat.  At this point consider things a success and do whatever you two would normally do.  

~One evening when your partner is going to take you out some place nice, ask them to go in and pick out all your clothing for that evening and please lay all the items on the bed.  Tell them you want to wear the clothes they pick out because you really enjoy wearing things that they enjoy seeing you in, and it makes you feel sexy to dress to please them.  Do they think you are nuts and say no way?  or do they look puzzled but go along?  If they go along consider it a success.  Go out and have a fun time like you normally would.   

~One evening go in and pick out one of your sexy lingerie outfits (if you don't have any, buy some!) or pick out one of your sexier under garments.  Put it on and then go out to where they are, tell them tonight you wanted to dress in the sexy clothes because you know how much they enjoy seeing you in that outfit, and it makes you hot to dress up for them.  Do they think you are nuts and say go away?  or do they look puzzled but go along?  If they go along consider it a success.  I think you know what to do from here, have great sex like you normally would or spice it up and have sex right there!   

~Get some silk scarves.  Bring them out in foreplay.  Take the silks and run the silks across their nipples and genitals and all over their body.  Hand the silks to them and ask them politely to do the same to you.  After a bit of this foreplay if they stop it is fine, consider it a success and do whatever you two would normally do.  

After you have had the silks around in foreplay for a while you can proceed to ask them to tie your wrists together, but allowing you to still move about.  If it comes untied you might say "woops it came undone" or "could you please tie it again a bit better?"  Remember to keep smiling.  It's up to you by judging their reactions if you should ask them to untie you after some foreplay.  If you ask to be untied and they pout or say something about not yet, or so soon?  Then you know it is okay next time to proceed and allow them to keep you tied up while you are being fucked.  Be aware you need to let them know it is not safe to make it so you can't get loose.  You are both each other's life line in an emergency situation.  You can't help them if you can't get loose.

~After warming them up with foreplay ask them very politely to give you a massage.  When you are laying on your tummy, wiggle your ass a bit and encourage them to give you a few light swats on your ass.  You might have to make up something along the lines of "I have been bad", etc.  Are they reacting negatively?  Some will be shocked and react negatively to you asking to be swatted as it's a surprise, do they react negatively if you wait a bit after they go back to the massage and ask them again?  If they react negatively, stop and try again some other day.  If they don't react negatively keep asking for another swat every few minutes.  Be sure and give them positive responses like "oh yeah" "that feels so good" "more, baby more".  The key is to get them used to giving you the swats, while the intensity might not be what you want and seem very soft and gentle, know it's a start.  Next time you can ask them to do it a bit harder and/or faster. 

~After warming them up with foreplay ask them very politely to give you a massage.  When you are laying on your tummy, encourage them to give you some very light biting/nibbling on your neck, shoulders, breasts, inner thighs and ass, etc.  Are they reacting negatively?  Some will be shocked and react negatively to being asked to bite/nibble you, try to remember it's a surprise.  Do they react negatively if you wait a bit after they go back to the massage and ask them again?  If they react negatively, stop and try again some other day.  If they don't react negatively keep asking every few minutes for more biting/nibbling.  Be sure and give them positive responses like "oh yeah" "that feels so good" "more there, baby more".  You might try to focus them on doing it only in one area or you may encourage them to alternate between you neck, shoulders, breasts, inner thighs and ass, etc.  The key is to get them used to giving you the bites/nibbles.  The intensity might be softer and gentler than you like.  Just remember next time you can always try to get them to do things a bit harder.  Each time they try the biting/nibbling at different intensities you need to let them know the intensity you enjoy and you need to also let them know where the top of your tolerance is.  

~You have reached the point you are about to have intercourse, you are flat on your back and they are on top, say "please pin me to the bed."  You can guide them to do this by encouraging them to hold you by the shoulders or upper arms or by drawing both your hands over your head and ask them to hold your wrists.  Try not to struggle at this point they may take that as a negative, instead offer words of encouragement and tell them "yes, like that"  "oh that feels so good"  Are they enjoying this or are they saying no way and they get off of you?  Are they just looking wide eyed but doing what you ask?  If they are voicing no way, stop encouraging them and instead begin encouraging them to fuck you.  (You can always try it another time to see if they were just shocked or actually hate it).  If they are doing what you ask by all means continue.  If they release your hold after a few minutes don't be discouraged, there is always next time for you to encourage them to do it longer.  You just might be surprised and they proceed keeping you pinned while they fuck you.

Tip- Be aware tolerance to sensation, activity, and pain change daily.  So what might be painful today, or what activity or sensation might painful today, those things might be fine another day and vice versa.  Women around menstruation seem to be more tender than other times. 

Everything you try, you need to assess after you are done playing/lovemaking/insert your term for what you do behind closed doors.  If you can get them to talk to you about how it felt or how great it was, so much the better.  You should also tell them thank you for going along with the new experience and how much you enjoyed it or how hot it was.  Sometimes it takes them knowing how it pleased you or made you happy or how much you liked doing it to start chipping down the barriers or resistance.  Sometimes it makes them want to do it again next time because you liked it so much.

You are only limited by your imagination and what would cause damage/injury/harm.  Be creative, try to be as safe as you can and remember go slow and ask them to do the same type of thing that got positive reactions over and over and over.  Once you feel that you can talk to them about what you have been doing, get them some books (see our library section).  You might try to get them to a munch and/or some workshops/lecture demos.  When you feel things have reached a point where you don't need to guide and encourage them, start pulling back and let their Dom/me side take over.  After all that is what you want!

 

Back to Dictionary page


This web site is STRICTLY a site for education but u
ntil the Department of Justice obscenity prosecutions become more clearly defined we are self-censoring our web site and removing any material that might be questionable in eyes of the anti-obscenity squad.  We certain hope that DOJ does not mix/confuse education sites with obscenity. 

For more information on the topic above and/or the example of what could occur see Electric Switch's book.

WARNING: This web site does contain information of a mature theme regarding alternative sexuality and is unsuitable for minors.  If you are under the age of consent (usually 18 years and over, depending upon your area) for your county, state, or country in the locations in which you accessing these web pages, you may not access any of our web pages. 


Copyright 1995
-2008 by Electric Switch of the West All rights reserved  No part may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any electronic means, including photocopying, recording or by any information or retrieval system, without the written permission of the authors.
Nothing in BDSM or life in general is without risk.  We do not have control over the use of this information.  If you use any information from bdsm-education.com or Electric Switch of the West, or any other authors found on www.bdsm-education.com  you use this information at your own risk.  The information found on www.bdsm-education.com is intended as information, and not intended to replace common sense.  Under no circumstances should you use any information from this web site without further research, and risk assessment.  Never use any of this information in place of a trusted medical doctor, medical authority, or disease control office.  bdsm-education.com and Electric Switch of the West place all information and resources on www.bdsm-education.com in good faith and with no ill intent.  Everyone accessing this information must take the necessary precautions to prevent physical or psychological damage to themselves or others, including but not limited to the transmission of disease.  By access this information you are agreeing that you do so at your own risk and bdsm-education.com and Electric Switch of the West or any author's articles on bdsm-education.com  shall not be liable for any direct, indirect, incidental, special or consequential damages resulting from the use of anything obtained through your use of www.bdsm-education.com
Links to other web sites are offered for your convenience and do not constitute an endorsement of those web sites.